To Killian, Love Mom

Dear Killian.

Hi my sweet baby. 
I feel you around me so much. I feel your presence. I feel your sweet little spirit in so much that I do. You are my fox, my guide. You’ve taken my compass of life and completely spun it. Like a magnetic field. It’s still spinning and I’m not really sure where it’s going to land. I’m dizzy and feel unbalanced from the constant chaos. But I know that whenever and wherever it lands, it will be pointed towards you.

Sometimes I remember you so vividly. The feel of your fluffy hair when I rubbed your tiny head. The way it calmed both of us down when scary things were happening. I still feel like laughing when I remember your scowl. Those two lines on your forehead already so deep with your personality and attitude. I remember our bath times. How calm and content you were once you were warm and clean and smelling of baby powder and soap. I loved washing your hair because it was extra soft and puffy when it dried. Like cotton candy i could rub against my cheek. I remember the strength in your hands when you gripped my finger. Even in that last hour, you were so strong. Your daily hiccups from the time you were growing in my belly until the day you left this world. Our daily dance party listening to ghost busters and Run DMC.

Sometimes I get scared I’m going to forget those things. I was so in our moments that I forgot to take the videos of you, and now I yearn to see your funny faces and your movements and your life. But I can’t allow myself to feel guilty for that, because I was busy holding you and living the precious time we had. So I like to write it all down to help my memory stay as clear as it can.

I’m still waiting to dream about you. my entire being wishes for it every time I lay down to sleep. To hold you again and to see you again. So come and visit me soon, okay? Because I really, deeply miss you. Your brothers look at your pictures and know your beautiful name. Ryker tells me every night at bed time that he “loves me all the way to heaven where baby Killian is”. Daddy misses you too. I’m afraid he has to spend a lot of his energy supporting and loving me right now, but I think that he’s so good at that because of his love for you.

This morning, out shopping for Valentine’s Day, I was thinking about you and there you were, showing me you’re with me even if I can’t touch you. Thank you.

So wherever you are my sweet boy, thank you for choosing me to be your mama. I’m so grateful. You have changed my life and inspired me to be a better person. But I still miss you with every breath and moment. I like to think that you’re with Grandma Shirley and Grandpa Don. They never got to meet your brothers, so I think they’re spoiling you wherever are.

Love, your mama.

2 thoughts on “To Killian, Love Mom

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