The Holiday season with out my child.

Christmas and New Years are a blur to me right now. Although I can honestly say that I had a wonderful holiday with my family, it was a little harder than I anticipated. I think that because I never had Killian through a Christmas, I didn’t expect to miss him as much as I did. I missed seeing him live his first Christmas. Missed getting him dressed in a dorky elf suit and taking a million pictures. I missed dressing him in the same outfit that his big brothers wore for his infamous first Santa shot.

I also received a call from Sick Kids telling me that there was nothing genetically that caused Killian’s heart to be as sick as it was. It was a fluke on top of a fluke on top of bad luck. In some ways that was amazing news. It keeps the door open for us for another baby, and it takes away the worry that something may present itself with my other two boys. In another way it made me want to shake my fist at anyone who looked my way. Why me. Why us. Why him. It’s not fair and it makes me mad at someone. I’m not really sure who.

New Years was internally hard for me, in a very strange way. I had a difficult time being excited and celebrating a new year. A year that my baby will never be in. 2018 I went through his entire life. From finding out I was pregnant, growing him, birthing him, and holding him when he died.

Dean and I went away for a week to the Dominican for a much needed break. We had a wonderful time. Didn’t relax on the beach much, it gave my brain a little too much time to think. But we boated and explored and danced and swam. My Mr. Bean came up in my thoughts constantly. Wishing he would have had the opportunity to see the beauty of the world one day. I could feel him with me in those quiet moments. Again, a very wide range of emotions. 
I was feeling quite upset I hadn’t seen a fox during our stay, I definitely fixate on that as it seems to bring me so much peace. Our last full day there we went to the capital, the bus ride there I was thinking about that fox. And I saw it. On a purse of a local girl who walked past me in the market. I think he knew I needed him then, that I was grasping for him.

I miss my boy right now. The shock seems to have worn off, and I seem to have come to terms with this new reality. I just miss him. I miss his face and his scowl and his puffy hair. I miss holding him and talking to him and rocking him. It’s hard to miss someone so much. It’s tiring.

Killian really is my fox. He’s guiding me in directions I never thought I would go. I’ve so appreciated you all being on this roller coaster with us. Strength in numbers right?

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