Soak it in – One day everything will change

The holidays are here. Christmas, Hanukka, Kwanzaa, Sinterclass. No matter what, or if, or how you celebrate, the holidays can be tricky. I mean, it’s the most wonderful time of the year, but it can also remind us of the important people who we don’t have with us. They tend to remind us of the past. I was prepared for the holidays to be very hard, losing Killian just a few months ago. My babe never celebrated christmas. He’ll never sit on Santa’s knee, open presents with his brothers and cousins, go sliding down the driveway with our family.  That’s a hard thing to know. It can eat at me if I let it. This Christmas Killian is a memory, he’s a decoration in the tree, he’s the Christmas gifts that we brought to Sick Kids, he’s the stuffy Ryker holds in our Santa picture. I miss him. I miss everything about him. I wish, more than anything that I could have him in my arms Christmas morning. As the song goes, “All I want for Christmas is you”.

But as hard as that all is, Killian has given me a gift this Christmas. He reminds me every single day to soak it in. Soak everything in. Soak in your kids excitement. Soak in the busy stores and the dinners and shopping and the chaos. It’s overwhelming and its hectic and its tiring. But thank God we have the need to be so busy.

Be thankful you have friends and family to have for dinner. Be thankful you have people to buy gifts or bake for. Be thankful your family is around to drive you crazy this holiday.

Find joy in this journey. Find joy in the chaos and the loud and the mess. Because the alternative is heart breaking.

I’m so thankful for my kids, my husband, my family and my friends. I’m so lucky to still be able to have the ability and the support to still be excited for Christmas, even in the hardest days of life. I’m so excited to watch my boys and my nephews open their presents, to see that amazed look on their faces when they see that Santa came. I want to soak in every second I have with them and with the rest of my crazy, big, chaotic, busy family. Because if I learned anything this year, it’s that absolutely nothing is promised. Nothing.

There is no one on this earth that can reassure you that next Christmas, it will be the same. That next year you will have the need for the chaos and over exitement and the calender stuffed with parties and plans and chores. So soak it in. Please. Do it for Killian, do it for me, do it for every person who is missing someone this year. Remember that the hectic days, the early mornings, the late nights and the chaotic moments mean that you’re here today. You’ve been given the gift of your family and friends. Love to you all. I hope you have a holiday full of mayhem, chaos and havoc. That its loud and busy and you eat to much and laugh so hard your stomach aches. I hope your kids or nieces and nephews are so excited for Christmas that they can’t sleep and are up at six am. I hope that you need strong coffee in the morning and a stiff drink at night. You are so lucky to have that need. Happy Holidays friends.


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