Have you ever had strange occurences, things that keep popping up? These instances can easily be chalked up to coincidence. Our cynical human nature seems to push us in that direction. We think that its good luck or just wishful thinking. Maybe thats true. I don’t think we’ll ever really know, until we move on from this place.
When Killian died I started seeing a fox. I mentioned this in a story I had told early on after his death. His beautiful blanket that he was cremated in had a little orange fox on it. He came into this world and was wrapped in that blanket, and he took that with him in the end. The monday after he passed, I was out and stumbled across a ceramic fox. It was a physical adaptation of the fox on his blanket. Exact same colour and stance. I picked it up in the store and cried. I felt like a crazy person, but I think we’re given the luxury of being crazy right now. That fox has been sitting beside Killians ashes, a home for his bravery beads, since.
When Killians ashes were delivered home to us, we opened the box he was in and saw his ashes wrapped in a fox stuffy. Again, I started to cry. Maybe he was telling me something. Maybe he was telling me, in the only way he can, that he’s with me. He see’s me. I felt a sence of peace. And thank God for that. Any peace is welcomed with open arms.
I’ve been searching for a fox everywhere I go…urging it to show itself. And I wasn’t seeing it. I felt like my heart was getting a little more damaged again. Started to feel like I had fabricated these signs to help with my grief. That it was probably a coping mechanism. I was questioning these signs. That nasty part of my being was trying to steal that from me. Steal the peace that I was getting from that simple little fox. That feeling was giving me such strong anxiety. It was adding to the sadness that is always there. I was feeling disconnected. Feeling like I was forgetting him. Those feelings are brutal on an already weakened soul.
We had an appointment to get Killian’s memorial tattoo with his ashes in them. Initially I wanted to get his fox on me. But with that cruel doubt wispering in my ear, I started to change my mind. I didn’t want to get something that I had made up in my mind…so we decided to get his heartbeat. But my gut told me that wasn’t right. I knew I needed to get a fox…his fox. When we got to the tattoo parlor, I was feeling off. I was putting so much stock into this tattoo. It means so much to me. Our artist had drawn out the fox, and the heartbeat, so I could decide which I wanted. I took the paper, looking at both, and looked up to the table with the equipment. A fox was on the coffee cup there. I knew what to do. It feels right having it with me. I feel linked to him through this small, simple fox. Thats such a gift to get…to feel a connection with him. I crave it every minute. I just want to feel like he’s with me, that we’re still together. So having this thing…this symbol of him is so very welcomed.
I started writing when we were inpatient with Killian. I’ve never really written anything before. I’ve never seen writing as something that I was meant to do. But once I started, it felt really right. So when Killian died, I decided to keep writing. For my own form of therapy, and to share Killian with anyone I possible could. When I was being encouraged to start this blog, I was so hesitant. Do people want to read my writing? Is it doing any good? Am I bringing people down? As I was doing some work on the blog, still strongly questioning this new chapter, a website opened on my laptop (i’m not very technically savvy, so I tend to open things and close them unintentionally, oops). The symbol of this website was a fox. The website was a guide on how to start to write a book. I think maybe Killian was telling me something. Telling me that our stories need to heard. That we can help someone, anyone. And that feels so good. I think this is right.
So maybe it is just wishful thinking. Maybe i’m holding onto this fox, because I can’t hold on to Killian. Maybe they are coincidences or something else much more logical. But maybe they aren’t Maybe this fox is my babe. Showing me he’s with me. Showing me that im not alone. Pushing me and guiding me somewhere I never thought I would go. I like that. Im going to choose to believe that. And im going to thank my sweet baby for giving me some calm in this crazy storm.