Spirituality. Religion. Atheism. Agnostic. Reincarnation. The list goes on and on. Everyone believes in something, whatever that something is differs from person to person. That’s our human right. I think it’s amazing. I’ve never really fully understood where I fall in those categories. Killian’s passing has really changed how I think about the taboo subject. He’s allowing me to explore parts of my mind I never really bothered to dig into. It’s a whole new gift that he’s giving me. This boy is changing my life daily.
This post isn’t about anyone’s beliefs. That’s personal to you and I would never try change it. It’s really just a very neat story I wanted to share.
The universe completely aligned itself for us, in ways that still amaze me, the weekend Killian died.
Every week since I had been down in Toronto, Dean and our two little guys would travel down to see me. They would come Thursday night and stay till Sunday evening. Dean and I would alternate being with the boys, and being with Killian. Our youngest is too little to be left in the child care room at Sick Kids, so one of us was always with them.
That weekend my mom wanted to keep the boys with her. She wanted to give us a weekend alone with him and with each other. It was wonderful. Had she not have kept them, one of us simply would have been gone when he died. Whoever that was wouldn’t have been able to make it to the hospital to spend those last precious minutes with him. Things escalated too quickly to have prepared for that. We wouldn’t have been able to have those hours alone with him after. We wouldn’t have had to time together that night to just cry and be alone with each other, which is what we so desperately needed.
Killian died Monday morning. Dean was going to go home Sunday afternoon. Killian wasn’t doing too badly at that point. We all believed, Doctors included, that this was probably just a bigger bump in the road. He was going to go home and be back early Thursday. He decided to stay anyways. If he hadn’t, he wouldn’t have been here. I would have been alone.
One hour before he died we were going to leave to go get some breakfast. But for some reason we didn’t that morning. Again, we simply wouldn’t have made it back. Killian would have died without us there.
When they were working on him in those chaotic and terrifying last 30 minutes, there were probably 25 people in the room assisting. They allowed us to be right beside the bed holding his hand. Our palliative care worker told us after that that is quite rare.
Whatever it is out there that aligned, it allowed us both the privilege of being with him when he died. Dean and I were the ones with him when he came into this world, and we were the ones with him when he left it. That’s a rare and beautiful thing. It’s something that I will forever be grateful for.
So, whatever your beliefs are. I hope for you all that your stars align when you need them to. I hope that you are able to recognize the beauty in that.