They say that you never really know how strong love can be until you have a child. I think that’s true. Once I had my boys I didn’t think that it would be possible to feel that love anymore than I did.
Until I lost one of them. Don’t get me wrong, when you lose a child you don’t love them anymore, but you realize the depth of that love. You come to realize how strongly your children become a part of your being. Your whole, entire soul. They are in every breath you take. Every thought you have. Every choice, decision, and emotion you experience. Everything is done with them ingrained in your mind. Sometimes in the back of it, but always there. It’s subconscious in most cases, I think. But even the times when your kids aren’t with you; ladies weekend, date night, boys night out…they are. They have their little fingers wrapped around your soul.
When you lose a child, those subconscious moments become conscious. You feel your baby with you at every moment. Your eyes search every corner for theirs. Your arms feel achingly empty not having them in them. Your hands feel cold and awkward not holding theirs. It’s constant, and confusing.
The recognition that they are always with you truly is a gift. To not feel them would be completely shattering, so we cling to those memories and emotions like a life preserver in these stormy, scary days. But it’s exhausting. To have some “forever sad” mixed into your everyday is tiring. It drains your energy. That constant searching and missing and wanting takes every ounce of energy and eats it up. Maybe that’s how our subconscious protects us. It allows us to function without the constant, deep and aching love.
Sleep is such a sweet break. But even sleep isn’t spared. I crawl into bed at night anxious to finally shut it down and give my mind some rest, but I pray to every, and any, God or being, that I can please see him tonight. That I can dream a day with him.
I’m thankful that the group of us that becomes so conscious of our children’s hold on us, is quite small. I hope that you can learn my lessons and absorb the knowledge I had to gain in the worst possible way.
Love your littles as hard as you can. Even when they’re testing every boundary and pushing every button. Remember that you would literally die for them. That if they were gone, every ounce of your being would ache for them. Remember that they are so deeply ingrained in your soul, your mind and body never stops caring for them. Every single one of us is so lucky to have experienced love that strong. Please remember that and give that love to them as much as you possibly can.