I clearly remember being younger and watching movies, or reading books, that something terrible happens in. Something traumatic. And I remember thinking to myself that I didn’t think I could survive something like that. That, for example, my child ever died, I would curl up in my bed and never get out. That I would just be unable to continue my day to day life. Unfortunately in the last month, I’ve learned that that’s not the reality.
We are back to our “normal”, whatever that word means. I’m simply trying to navigate the strange new waters I’m treading and trying to find my new normal. It never will go back to what it was, and I’m happy about that. I’m a changed person, and I think denying that would be an injustice to Killian.
I get up too early with my boys. I make (not so successful) dinners. I take the boys to swimming and gymnastics. I clean the toilet and vacuum the floors. Halloween was two weeks after Killian died, we went, and had a wonderful time.
When a trauma hits you. And you just don’t know if it will. You just keep going. You still have a life to live and in my case two beautiful boys to raise. I don’t want to rob them, Dean, or myself of all the happiness that life has to offer. That’s not fair to anyone. So every morning I wake up, get dressed, and go. The bad days and nights are real, and deserved. When they come, I let them be exactly what they are, bad. And then the next morning I try again.
I met a very sweet woman the other day at Rykers gymnastics class. She has been following this page. She was telling me about a trauma that hit her family when she was young. She said she had asked her mom how she continued on after such a loss. Her answer was essentially the same. You get up and go. For your kids, for your family, and for yourself. It’s reassuring to see others that have survived this. It was also reassuring to see that there was still so much emotion associated with it, years later. Because I don’t want that emotion to leave. I want to feel it, and use it to honour Killian, and to not forget how precious life is.
Life is a bit like a rollercoaster. It has twists and turns and flips. It makes your heart jump out of your throat sometimes. It makes you laugh and scream. But it’s thrilling and so fun if you allow yourself to let go of the fear and just go. I’m still on that roller coaster thankfully. I just have an extra cart that I’m pulling along behind me.