October 20, 2018 “Getting back to normal”

Getting back to “normal” is a very odd thing. It’s been wonderful being back with my boys and my family. But our normal is definitely different now. There’s always going to be someone missing in these moments. That’s a tough thing to realize. We went to leisure farms today, and a little piece was definitely missing. So we’ve been making sure to talk about Killian at home a lot. And not just talking about the sadness that’s coming along with the end of his life.

I’ve been listening to our playlist that we listened to everyday at bath and exercise time. The boys were dancing to some tonight. I’ve been laughing and talking about the super amazing scowl face that he was always giving us and the nurses who disturbed him. The McWade scowl is a real thing, and he was already a master. I’ve talked about his little body and giant personality to the boys.

Rykers been asking a lot of questions about where his baby Killian is, his buddy as he called him when we all FaceTimed in the evening. He’s been wondering if baby Killian took a bus, or drove, to heaven. I think it’s so nice for us to talk about him. To remember that he is always going to be a part of our family, even if he’s physically not here. At sick kids, there was an amazing family worker. She brought all three boys the same small teddy bear to have. This would allow them to be connected even when they were so far apart. Tonight Ryker asked me if Killian took his bear with him to heaven. The question knocked the wind out of me. It was so simple, and probably one of the most amazing ones I’ve heard. The fact that Ryker remembers the reason for the teddy, and that he had the need to know that Killian still had his, is so unbelievably comforting to me. I’m so glad he thinks of him. Killian’s teddy was with him when he was cremated. I wanted it to be with him too.

I know talking about people who have passed, especially ones who left before their time, is hard. But it really does feel great to do it. It does hurt, there’s no denying that, but to be able to talk, laugh, cry, and remember them is such a gift.


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