Choices. Choices are a funny thing. Every choice you make is completely unique to you. You have at least two in every situation life throws at you.
Lots of people have said that I’m coping with Killian’s passing well, that I’m a strong person. I don’t believe that I’m any stronger than anyone else. When I was in the hospital with Killian I recognized that time was very precious with him, so I focused the time with him, on him. I was conscious to not go on autopilot. I left my phone down and looked at him and talked to him and enjoyed him. I’m so unbelievably thankful that I made that choice, because those memories are all I have. Since then, I’ve just made the choice to try and see this unbearable situation in a different light.
I choose to celebrate Killian’s life, not focus on his death. I choose to focus on the good that he can bring out in my life and others, rather than all the sadness that comes along with him leaving. I choose to keep his memory alive, even though it’s painful, rather than bury the feelings. I choose to approach death a little different than the norm. I choose to enjoy my boys so hard, even though the loss of a child could easily cause me to put up protective barriers. I choose to snuggle with them that extra five minutes at bedtime , even though it goes against the sleep experts advise. I choose to enjoy and appreciate my husband, rather than take the sadness and anger out on him. I’m also choosing to allow those sad and angry moments to have their needed time.
I’m consciously trying to make different choices in other areas of my life. I’m choosing to tell family and friends that I love them. I’m choosing to not take out my irritation on others. I’m choosing to smile and have conversations with strangers. I’m choosing to reconnect with old friends who I got “too busy” to see.
There’s too many of these choices for me to go through, and I’m definitely not making all good ones, but I’m trying every day. I’m not saying to always be “there” and “on”. We’re still human, we get tired and bored and irritable. There’s nothing wrong with that. But just keep the fact of your choices in the back of your mind. Even if it’s just once a week, choose to be better. Choose to be kinder. Choose to love harder. Tonight, on Halloween, choose to really engage in your night with your kids, they will be so happy. And I promise you, you will never regret that choice.